Why I avoid being in a serious relationship : A simple guy

Relationship, Intimacy, Love all these words relate to something common a soulmate, or a partner. But these words are defined a lot differently than expected. It’s a common thing to relate them as relationship leads to intimacy and intimacy leads to love. Just an ASSUMPTION! In the 21st century, intimacy has nothing to do with being in love or every relationship doesn’t lead to what we call the super awesome love. Have the definitions changed? No, But it’s only the people that moved on to a whole new level of defining things according to them.

Men’s are considered most for avoiding relationships and going in a more secure way than women. Maybe that person isn’t ready or there must be some past related to that so-called mad love that would have changed him forever.

Here is a short confession session was given by a guy who when asked why do you avoid relations. Do have a look, maybe you may find some extraordinary in this ordinary story.

Here it goes :

Where it all started

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The year 2009, saw her in the tuition classes. That simple cheeky eyed girl was sitting behind me trying hard to solve an algebra question. Though I never liked maths but I took an initiate to help her with the question as the mentor weren’t around. Trust me, I was not at all infatuated or attracted by the girl it was just a lending hand to a beautiful friendship that I was looking forward to. Love, at first sight, isn’t the scene here and also I don’t believe in it. Well, I solved the question and a curve on her face with such positive vibes whispered Thank you! 

I felt good, not because of the girl but due to the fact that even being not so good at maths, I actually did it. Being concise I was feeling proud ;p. 

The first step

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Days flew well, and we were friends. We talked glance and stared at each other. It was going good, And suddenly I changed my school and what you say luck or destiny, Landed in the same school where she was. It was normal getting a mutual friend to a school where you are. 

Our talks got increased, though we were in different sections, but in tuition we were close..stop doesn’t just get started yet, just friends now! although she had a boyfriend I considered her well as a friend. Days went on, Made few good friends and was having a good time in school.

Like a usual school we had our recess and that for 45 minutes, roaming around with friends was good, but something strange happened, I began to have an urge to just see her once in the recess, so I made time even for 10 minutes, talked to her but as I told you earlier she had a BOYFRIEND, Things got up little messy. I got visits from her boyfriend and you know the rest, same shit that goes around. 

The first vibe

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Apart from the lot of talkings in the tuition, this sudden feeling of watching her, again and again, began to baffle me, I restricted myself sometimes but her smile made me go all over it. But when did it all started? One usual day in college but something unusual happened, she didn’t come! Yes, u might be thinking that’s normal right but for me, it was something I can’t afford, and I missed her like I never did. What was it? What do you think? THE FIRST VIBE! Where it all started.

Life happened

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 I started liking her, I was unaware of the feeling that It was not just liking it was the beginning of something that was about to happen to me. I dared not to express that it too her because I feared the chances of losing her. So, it just went normally. Days passed on, I still loved being around her, just talking to her made me feel good. And with some luck, she had a breakup! Not happy but, I was feeling good. 

After a month passed by, I proposed her, She said yes. You maybe thinking great That’s a nice breakthrough in the story, but all the shits that happened to her in the past made her much more restrictive to be around love again and then where my patience just gave me a clue.

The different love happened

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 When you are in a relationship, you wanna roam around, spend some quality time and make special memories. But It was different for me, I can’t talk to her much in school because of the influence that her previous relation made to her family, I can’t roam around because she was afraid, and I respected that feeling because I respected her. But You know, Time is what makes a relation perfect, I had less of it so, I changed the rules and made my own rules for the word called love.

THE BREAKUP!

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Sounds weird no, the relationship hasn’t started and we had a breakup, yes we had. That unusual relation that had no proper meetings and intimacy came to an end with a sentence : “It’s not working”

Well, it was not a heartbreak, but a lesson that life taught me that no matter how much you are affectionate towards a person you can’t deny, you gotta make her feel your presence and that’s what has been missing because of the circumstances. Life happened we changed our streams to science and commerce and the tuition changed. 

A New Start

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I was in 11th when all of this happened, 2 years and waiting for just once if I can hug her, my patience believed that someday, at some at some moment she will understand. But you know life has its rules and you cannot surpass it. I DID!, even after the breakup, I watched through my class window how pretty she looked when she came out of the bus with a single pony! I loved her hair pony, to be frank. Days passed, I still waited for her glance in school. Even showing my clueless face in front of her, I still loved her and that’s what my motivation was. 

Her smile!

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You know what kept me going loving her even after the breakup, her smile is not passed to me of course but watching her coming out of school bus and talking and laughing with her friends made my day. What was happening to me? Watching her smile made my day, I didn’t have the urge to go talk her over and over again over the same thing but what was necessary was her smile. Too be-be more specific she took commerce and I was a science student. Different batches of friends and different tuition made it hard for me, But I was happy just with her smile and I did this for 8 months, yes 8 months, Love ain’t it!

Taking a step again!

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In 12th standard, we had a common subject and that subject gave me a chance to be with her again. Yes, finally we were in the same tuition again and it just increased my urge to express what I feel for her. Waiting for approx 2 months, on 18th November 2011, I proposed her gain straight coming out of the practical lab. You wanna know what I said, “It’s impossible for me to fake it anymore, I love you and I just can’t avoid this feeling”. She smiled! yes, she did and asked me to give her answer in the tuition. 

Back again

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I entered the tuition waiting for her answer and her sight, and she came. With a glaring smile, she asked me a few questions:

Her: what if I am unable to give to time again?

Me: I will manage.

Her: What if it still goes the same way as it did before?

Me: I will keep that in mind it won’t be.

Her: Will you understand me?

Me: You don’t have to worry.

And she said yes! I was happy not because I was in a relationship again but only as I will be expressing my love to her and I did. The last 5 months of my school was more than anything in can ask for. I was with her, that feeling of closeness with her made me feel happy and loved too. To be honest we hugged each other outside the tuition and that was my first hug and it was just amazing. The closeness we had left an impact and I was feeling it.

Surprising kisses

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That 5 months with her. One of the most beautiful time I ever got to spent in my whole lifetime. Love was different right, It was something that you just can’t explain, you just have to feel it. I kissed her for the first time in tuition, I wish I can relive that moment, it was not desperation, it was feeling loved, it was my patience that made me feel all these moments. I respect it even now. We kissed a lot, outside of tuition, whenever the mentor isn’t there and once again it was not desperation but the closeness we sought through the passing years. It was good and I can bet you-you over that I still get the vibes of her thinking of these moments.

That Bond!

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We used to talk and that to talk about, Her daily life was an excitement to me and my words were her way of living that life. We used to hold hands sitting aside each other, and the way she used to hold it that tight that never made the closeness fade, She was happy, and that made me happy. Told you, I was a simple guy in love or something more than love. It was her yes it was her that made my mornings so beautiful. 

The way she used to call me say goodnight was one of the precious things that I ever had. Let me be clear all this was in tuition, that 1 hr tuition that we used to attend, we just can’t afford to meet after that because of the restrictions a small town had to face. Still even 1 minute with her just kept my heart full. “No complaints, No demands”.

The long distance relationship

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I still remember that last kiss we had during the end time of our 12th boards and especially our tuitions, we ran off to a place where no one can disturb us, we kissed and promised that It will all remain the same. And she went away, with her college. I missed her a lot as I dropped a year for preparation. Suddenly the closest relation with 4 years of constant eye contact became a LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP! It hurts right when you let go of things you love the most. She came to Delhi, college, new life, new contacts but that old heart that I used to love.

We skyped, chatted and missed each other a lot, maybe that distance was turning us closer. But you know LIFE JUST HAPPENED!

The unexpected!

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I still feel guilty about what that duration of long distance made me. I got INSECURE because of the distance, and that was just the starting. I just wanted to be happy like everyone else being in a relation but that closeness was missing and I was afraid as I didn’t want to lose her anymore not now, not at this point. She loved me, I loved her but what was missing? Maturity, yes we underrate this word nowadays a lot but if we would have been a little more mature, we could have saved it!

The beautiful chapter fades away.

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November 18, we had a one-year relationship and then maybe that was only year destiny had us to celebrate, February 2013, we broke up and You may find it hard to believe I don’t know the reason. I just don’t know! That beautiful chapter that lasted around 4 years just faded away within a blink of an eye. I tried a lot and a lot, came to Delhi too just to meet her and show my love, but sadly, It didn’t work. It just didn’t. Feeling sad what could be the reason, aren’t you? I still don’t know and it’s been 5 years, imagine the feeling.

It’s been 5 Years

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5 years passed away, we both moved on still, we chat sometimes, careful I said SOMETIMES! The Sad part is we can’t share like we used too, everything changed and how fast this took place I can’t even imagine. Still feels I have a tuition at  5 pm today 😉

Through all these years of love and desire, one thing changed inside me, It’s hard for me to trust again, love again like I used too. We guys avoid relations because we have a much more sensible side that we need to hide, not to bring that urge again as we don’t want to get hurt again. Every guy has a past and that past is used as an avoidance and experience to not repeat the same bliss that once happened.

We too love but you gotta be the right person for it, as I said it’s hard to trust nowadays! 

“My First love relationship, I will never Forget And it’s such a big part of who I am, And in so many ways, We could never be together, But that doesn’t mean that it’s not Forever. Because It is Forever”

Featured image source : Public Domain Pictures

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